How to build or break habits
You are the only one stopping yourself from doing anything differently, and good news - you are also the one in control
I have always been good at sticking with things in my life I commit to, but only recently got pretty good at quitting things that are unhelpful. I’ve come to realize they are basically two sides of the same coin, and your grit in commitment can also be applied to the inverse when you’re ready to stop doing something. But I had to internalize a few things first.
I wondered today if it might help others get there faster by sharing parts of the thought process that worked for me, although sense this might be something where one needs to ‘build callus’ first. I’m not going to talk checklist steps like oh yeah, you need to wake up at 4am and do yoga or download a 50 page guide. Will just share some simple thoughts that can hopefully be a catalyst.
You have to be ready (and not just say you are, know it)
No one who doesn’t wish to stop doing something deeply is going to stop —it doesn’t matter what their spouse or friends say to them, and they especially won’t stop if their life is mostly fine. They’ll need real, personal pressure of some sort: it might even require something extreme like hitting bottom. Some people might never get there and die with their vices. But there’s honestly no one else that can help completely, and humans are extraordinarily great at lying to themselves (this is one if you’re clever, you’ll honestly be better at).
You have to do it especially when you don’t want to
Since I started lifting regularly, I’ve come to the conclusion going to the gym is fairly easy on the days you want to go. Those days don’t matter, you’re going to lift. It’s the days you don’t want to go because you’re tired, injured, feeling a bit sick, etc you most need to. It sounds extreme but I think you have to ‘play sick’ and still at least get in there for a bit, even if you can’t do your normal weight or reps. This applies to lots of other areas too. Building real habits necessitates it.
You aren’t ‘fine as you are’ and perhaps should shame yourself a bit
It just isn’t healthy to go around thinking you’re the best version of yourself right now. This sort of thinking is deeply harmful: you might be fine as you are, but you can always be better. Believing you are finished in the process as a human presents a huge risk of stagnation, and it’s so inculcated into our culture. See some of the comments to the below Tweet, it’s extraordinary some didn’t like this motivation, it worked so well for me (it’s telling people would rather make excuses, they’re just not ready).
You have to be okay with letting your past life go — underrated difficult
This is probably the hardest part about quitting something, especially something like gambling, drinking alcohol or trading stocks if they’ve become a destructive part of your life. There’s a lot of culture surrounding many habits and so they become a natural part of your identity. The thing is, there’s culture everywhere and you can always make new friends. Your existing friends into these things likely have other interests (and if not, they’re kinda boring anyway) but that shouldn’t matter they can still be your friends too, perhaps after a break.
Only when you see the importance of walking away will you get more comfortable quitting and let go of any loss aversion. Even starting something new involves loss of something else (everything has time opportunity cost). But with honest contemplation you should know what’s best. Also keep in mind: in relatively short order you won’t miss a part of your life you let go so long as you replace it with better things.
You need to see things as life or death
I don’t know that there’s another way many of us will start or stop doing anything. Modern, pain-avoidant culture has removed us from such extremes and to our detriment. I don’t necessarily mean something is going to kill you (most of the time) I just mean you should fully internalize if you don’t start the thing you want now you’re probably going to die never having gotten as far as you would have liked, and have regret for that one day. When I worked for the life science firm the CEO put plaques that said “sense of urgency” around the building — because a cancer patient needs to determine their diagnosis and take action quickly. Treat your own life actions with such ‘triage’ mindset.
Cold turkey quit or hard start
Once you’ve spent time being honest with yourself I don’t think you need much of a plan at the start. If you want to begin a new hobby start with the absolute basics — the more time you spend planning/acquiring gear the less chances you’ll do anything (amateurs obsess over tools). Life just isn’t that long, and I think modern institutions and corporate America have conditioned people there are large walls or barriers requiring a bunch of steps to start doing anything. There’s a great meme, “you can just do things” my friend Kache likes to say various versions of that’s a wonderful ethos for life. Note: of course if we’re talking about quitting a serious substance do have a plan to taper.
Let go of any learned helplessness
This is a critical step in the journey of habit change, if you’re unable to change a habit it’s likely you suffer from a degree of learned helplessness. This concept by psychologist Martin Seligman occurs when someone believes they have no control over their situation, leading to a state of passive resignation. To successfully build or break a habit recognize and challenge these beliefs. Start by acknowledging that while past experiences may have reinforced feelings of helplessness, they do not in any way dictate your future capabilities. You have the power to influence and change your own behavior (and soon you will).
Parting thoughts…
There’s many longer books and guides for behavioral change and professionals you can get help from if the situation is dire. Regardless of tools, I believe everyone has the will within themselves to simply start or stop doing anything, we all have agency. The upside is basically infinite for your fulfillment as a human, in fact even the steps along the way are more life affirming than, say, watching Netflix or getting drunk. Those things get boring after awhile anyway, they’re just not as good as any real pursuits you can have.
Great thoughts! I like to remind myself that motivation will fail you but (self) discipline will keep you moving.
Especially when it's time to pick up the heavy things!
I really enjoyed this post. It was made me feel surprisingly emotional yet motivated. It is great to be reminded how capable we are as individuals with passions and the motivation to be better for ourselves.