Debating things like adults

Most everyone on Substack does great but in other places I see, not so much

Rocket Science, featuring a young Anna Kendrick and Reece Thompson is a coming-of-age story that looks at the power of debate not just to change minds but also lives.

Today’s post is a quick reminder about something most everyone who reads or writes on Substack understands, but I continually see others outside this place do not. I’m writing today so I have something to point to people elsewhere. Maybe helpful for you to have in your pocket, too.

Modern debate is broken because people have retreated into specific positions and can’t see outside them. But, a well-rounded person deliberately exposes themselves to many viewpoints, not just ones that feel comfortable or flattering. Growth doesn’t come from staying inside echo chambers or completely locking yourself out of what half the country thinks, or worse, thinking those you disagree with couldn’t possibly ever be truthful. It comes from friction, curiosity, and the willingness to listen without immediately preparing a comeback.

Calm debate is a skill, and like most skills it takes practice. It means engaging ideas on their merits rather than attacking the person holding them. Ad-hominem insults are almost universally a sign that someone has run out of arguments, or never had one to begin with. Disagreeing respectfully doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you’re confident enough in your thinking to defend a position without acting like a jerk or derailing the conversation to another topic. When did so many people become unreasonable, or think ideas different from their own are off limits? That’s not the liberal world I grew up in.

The main thing I feel is lost in modern discourse is the understanding that many issues genuinely do have multiple sides. In some cases, there may be data supporting more than one interpretation. In others, the disagreement persists because the issue isn’t empirical at all: it’s moral, cultural, or even quasi-religious. You can often tell when this is happening, because no amount of evidence or claim seems sufficient to move the conversation forward. If you yourself are unwilling to move on an issue even if additional evidence is presented, ask yourself why this is. It’s also telling if your position exists because of your personal upbringing, or something the “current thing” crowd believes. If you were raised well, the former is likely a better reason to hang onto it. Some ideas and beliefs should be held onto across time, and are worth re-litigating calmly, should the need arise. Also, understand that certain debate topics are perpetual (topics like God and if aliens exist). Know what kind of debate you’re in.

This is also where patience becomes essential. For ideas that feel obviously incorrect to you — ideas that seem extreme, irrational, or detached from reality — it helps to remember that mass belief systems don’t dissolve overnight. History offers plenty of examples. After the last person was hanged during the Salem witch trials, it took nearly 20 years for the people of Massachusetts to publicly acknowledge what they experienced was mass hysteria. At the time, the accusations felt real, urgent, and morally necessary to those participating. Clarity only arrived later, once distance allowed reflection. There’s a lot like this today, that if you are able to take a sober view you’ll see we will move past. I can think of a few areas this is true, as I’m sure you can too. But to some, even the suggestion something is a hysteria, or even just groupthink sends them into a tailspin. You should be able to consider this possibility too, and if you can’t, ask yourself why a few times until you get to an answer. Having friends and exposing yourself to ideas across the ideological and political spectrum is a strong immunization against this, by the way. This is also why open discussion matters, because it’s really only when some ideas are suppressed that we allow groups with strange beliefs to destabilize things. This is why calm and open discussion is so important, and I’m passionate about it.

Which brings us to emotional control, something that matters far more than most people want to admit. And this is absolutely a both-sides problem. If an opinion (or even simply seeing facts or statistics) sends you immediately into rage, mockery, or contempt, that’s a sign you’ve personally lost rationality. Being able to stay composed while discussing difficult topics is one of the clearest indicators of maturity and intelligence.

None of this is novel. It’s basic, almost boring, but worth repeating. Listen. Think. Respond thoughtfully. You don’t have to agree with everyone, but you should be able to understand them, be able to develop a mental model for those on the other side of a debate topic, and remain human while doing so. I really believe we can have better debate and discussion, if we decide we want that.