Your process is not sacred enough

You either value routine or you're still chasing chaos

[Brief intro]: Today I wanted to share some personal life experience perhaps helpful for young folk reading this. This isn't just for the young in age, many millennials are stuck in a state of arrested development due to cultural conditioning, media-driven nihilism, and lack of mentorship. It may not entirely be your fault, but it is your responsibility to take action.

There’s a Nine Inch Nails song I’m fairly certain about depression titled Every Day Is Exactly The Same. I heard it again recently, it’s what inspired this post. I recall originally enjoying this tune more for the vibes and instrumentals without putting too much weight into the lyrics. But I was thinking about it and in my 20s, when the album was released and I first listened to it, every day was decidedly not exactly the same. I moved to 3 different cities (from college in Gainesville to Fort Lauderdale to start my adult life, then to Minneapolis for a work opportunity, then to San Francisco, again for new opportunity). In between and even after that in San Francisco for the decade I was actually in one place, I was traveling frequently to speak at events and work on local and international clients for extended periods. I was in an exploration phase of life without a destination in mind - no one had ever handed me a map, told me to start a family, etc.

It was exciting to live in many places, meet hundreds of people, make new friends, see the world, go on adventures. But hard to say I was ‘happy’ or ‘content.’ Still, between adventures and work, in my free time I did write thousands of stories on my old blog some of you reading this were there for, several original albums, creative things like this. So I was productive personally but without any real process, at least from the standpoint of when I would work and daily routine. It didn’t matter, I could just sacrifice sleep. I was motivated enough at creative work I could always sit down and make things. The tech industry was nothing but growth and opportunity, so there was no shortage of work and projects there, too. You threw yourself into them and went. Personal health be damned.

Anyway, fast forward to the pandemic when I moved to Austin (oddly, this warranted a news story) and it was still difficult to say I had proper structure in life. But at some point I decided things should change, and I actually worked on very consciously deciding what to eat, have a lifting routine, go to sleep at the same hour, things like this. The structure is good, actually. My work became easier and more efficient. My health improved. I didn’t require any psych meds to focus or for anxiety. I didn’t need alcohol to relax. I quit trading and gambling. All of my biometrics improved, my energy was consistent, my mood became stable. I effortlessly lost weight.

If every day was exactly the same for Trent Reznor in his real life, that’s not a bad thing. A reason he’s so prolific and successful is because of the structure. In my own art when I went into studio, even if the rest of my life at the time was not thoughtfully structured, at least that work was. But if you are a raw creative soul, I understand how “every day being the same” sounds suffocating. I totally get it. But that’s the wrong way to view it. It’s because creative people thrive in unstructured settings, it’s a lifestyle choice mimetic to a personality of bringing disparate concepts together in interesting ways.

The truth is, your life doesn’t need to be chaotic to harness creativity in your work. Your daily process doesn’t need to mimic your creativity, at least in the sense of every day requiring novelty or change. It’s a sign of an immature mind to allow that. When you arrive, it’s unnecessary. The lyrics of the Nine Inch Nails song appeal to people in this stage of life, because they want to rebel against any repeating patterns. They feel like mandates, and what creative person wants that? The lyrics are great, by the way, there’s no reason anyone can’t appreciate capturing that phase of life in a song. But when you grow up, you start to value and understand things differently. You harness raw emotions and direct them. You’ve made peace with the shadow self. You’ve experienced enough novelty and wanderlust. A phrase from the psychedelic heydays of both the 60s and 90s (LSD/MDMA) was “once you get the message, hang up the phone” for a reason.

Do I regret living a less structured life while young? Personally no, I have an infinite well of stories and experiences to draw from (if I put them into a movie, you wouldn’t believe some of them). Like Leo in The Beach drinking snake blood I was brave, arrogant and didn’t back down from any challenge or new experience. I’m just glad I survived, as many others don’t make it through this period. The good news is humans are anti-fragile and grow stronger if they do make it. Now I have a sense of calm with a predictable routine for work, health and art. FOMO for the chaos has left me. In its place is discipline. And I’m at a point I wouldn’t want to go back to every day being random, chaotic and following whatever path the entropy of the world provided without much thought other than ‘yeah, let’s do this.’

You should be lucky to reach a point you have structure in life and a predictable, healthy routine. If this doesn’t sound appealing to you, you likely aren’t ready. I understand this and wouldn’t want that for someone with a restless soul trying to find itself. But constant adventure, excitement forever? That’s the impulse of someone who hasn’t found real purpose, Jedi crave not these things. You’re really still just a child. That’s perhaps okay for now, but don’t stay there forever.